Life at Crawpappy's Bar is better than a Mastercard commercial

by Brian Schwartz

Telling a pert and feisty redhead in high high heels lots of interesting stories about pigs (pigs as a form of wealth and status in New Guinea, pigs as the favorite meat in China, pigs I saw eating excrement deep in the wilds of west Cameroon) and having her tell me she could step on me and puncture my stomach.

Payment to girl in exchange for not stepping on me: ten dollars

Meeting a real live school cheerleader just like the ones who snubbed me in high school and fulfilling a childhood ambition by touching her rock-hard, overmuscled gluteus maximus.

Payment to cheerleader: twenty dollars

Telling the bartender at great length about all my superhigh test scores and all the high-IQ societies that should have let me in on the basis of those scores but didn't.

Tip to bartender: twenty dollars

Being alive and really drunk: priceless

Life and beer are gifts of God, for everything else you'd better carry a lot of cash.

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Epilogue

Yesterday morning I got this email from one of the girls who works at Crawpappy's. It's just so lovely that I decided to share it with you... especially since my little "weekend updates" present a less optimistic picture. I saw her last night and got her permission to do so.

B.S.

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Brian-

You are absolutely wonderful and I truly enjoy your weekend updates. I really hope you know that you mean a lot to a good amount of people in Tulsa. Of course, your family... crawpappy's loves you to death, but many people know you and you touch their lives in meaningful and inspiring ways. I really hope you know how great you really are.

Love you - ___________________ .